I try very hard to keep this disease under control and not let it take over my life. But every now and then it pops up and I don't even recognize it's actions. Unfortunately yesterday was one of those times. I said something that was intended to be a joke, but the words didn't assemble right and there was a great disconnect from the brain to the tongue and what came out sounded so very mean. It kept happening, and I didn't realize that was I was saying was sounding so hurtful until it was too late.
Fortunately, the person to whom such words were said is very understanding and forgiving and no relationships were harmed; but I'm not always so lucky.
I spent all night repeating my statements to myself and just couldn't believe they came out of my mouth. I'm not a mean person. I don't say mean things. But sometimes my words get put together in the wrong order and it just comes out.
I truly despise that I do this. After a day of episodes, I tend to be extra careful about what I say and try very hard not to offend or hurt anyone unintentionally. But like all good efforts, I eventually get lazy and comments start flinging out of my mouth once again. Aside from being extra careful to watch what I say, I'm not sure the best way to handle my flippant remarks.
I think I know what triggers my comments. I am horrible at making jokes and always mess up the punchline. So when I try to make a one-liner joke, it almost always comes out wrong and that's when my comments are said. I wish that I just made jokes that weren't funny, but unfortunately, it's not that simple. So perhaps what I need to do is accept that I'm not a funny person and just need to not try to join in on the jokes.
I have been VERY blessed in my life to find someone who understands this about me and is very forgiving. He loves me very much and knows that I would never intentionally say something hurtful. He has forgiven me more times than I care to count.